Emotional Needs

NVC invites us to delineate between needs and strategies. A need is something intrinsic to our self-state whereas a strategy is a position we take in order to gratify our needs. We have physical needs and emotional needs. We drink water to meet the need of thirst. But why do we call a friend? Often the desired strategy registers before we have an awareness of why. I pull my phone out of my pocket and start dialing: this is how I discover my desire for connection.

Neuroscientist and psychobiologist, Jaak Panksepp, discovered seven Instinct Command Centers in mammals. In researching the mammalian drive to play, he recorded rats giggling.

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Mark Solms, the neuroscientist and psychoanalyst that developed Panksepp’s research, suggests that these instincts contain essential emotional needs. Thus, my desire to call a friend can be interpreted as an instinct-signal that I have an emotional need. 

Sit with me in mindfulness for a moment, phone in hand. What do I imagine happening when I call my friend – what am I seeking? The scenario I imagine will provide information about the need. I imagine my friend answering with joy to hear from me. I imagine a sense of relief flooding my body as I experience acceptance. I imagine our nervous systems co-regulating. When we part, I feel confidant and calm. Do I need reassurance, belonging, presence, calm, ease? 

When we identify our needs, options blossom. I can now generate more strategies to meet the need that my desire seeks to satisfy. When my friend does not answer the phone (or answers with suboptimal availability) I feel empowered to return to the need and seek another strategy.