What is Inherently Violent about our Communication?

Marshall Rosenberg purposefully used the word nonviolent in the title of his book and in all his presentations.

Practitioners of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) sometime bristle at the use of “nonviolent”, preferring instead the word “compassionate.”

So, let’s look at why Rosenberg might have chosen that word:

1. Marshall could be provocative in his teaching, and he did that on purpose, like any good teacher does: to stir students up a little bit. The idea that our thoughts and words can be violent stimulates thinking about it.
2. Marshall called violent thinking or action “life alienating,” contrasting it to “life affirming” thinking and action that is not violent.
   • Since humans are social creatures, they depend on community for survival. Conflicts arise partly because of our imprecise use of language, as well as the way the receiver interprets what they hear. Prolonged misunderstanding can threaten the social order and put the group at risk of physical violence. Thus, NVC’s emphasis on the use of life-affirming language.
3. The English verb “to be” doesn’t differentiate whether the speaker is referring to a temporary state of being (“it’s cloudy today”) or a permanent state of being (“I’m blind”). That language anomaly makes it easier to characterize things we don’t like as “bad” and those we like as “good.”
   • “I’m a poor student” implies a permanent state of being.
   • “She’s generous” does the same thing.
4. Black and white thinking is common. The brain is so busy sorting out details of our day that it defaults to categorization and generalities.
   • When we do that, and place a moral judgment on our evaluation – good or bad, it can stimulate a physical and psychological impact on ourselves or others (“I’m a hopeless case”; “I’m depressed”; “He’s a horrible husband”; “My kids are out of control”; “Tesla products suck”).
5. Chronic judgment of ourselves can lead to feelings of shame and mental illness. Chronic judgment of others as flawed, wrong or evil leads to war.

Rosenberg was not only a student of the pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers, he was also a student of Mahatma Gandhi, the Indian activist whose campaign of nonviolent resistance helped to rid that country of British rule.

Rosenberg said: “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people (or our own wrongdoing) and, consequently, those people (or we) deserve to be punished.”