New Year, Same Resolve

There is a squeaky door in my character. I’ve been oiling it with various lubricants for decades, and some days it seems that nothing has changed.

Here’s the rub. When I’m in the right mood, when I’m feeling most charitable, kind or loving, the squeak goes away. But I’m not in that place most of the time.

In NVC lingo, I’d say my unmet need here is……hmm, perfection? No, that’s not on the vocabulary list I keep handy. Is it harmony? Or ease? Well, yes, but that’s not quite aligned with the feeling of impatience or frustration I have when I’m not acting in accordance with my values.

So maybe I’m frustrated because I’d like to be in a good mood and ready to take the world on with kindness no matter the circumstances? Maybe that need is in the direction of competence, or even mastery?

It’s the new year, so I’ll start with self-empathy.

Me: “So, you’re feeling frustrated because you want to be kind all the time, is that right?”

Me2: Yeah, that sounds right.

Me: So what request might you have to meet that need, something doable, specific and in real time?

Me2: Well, I could stick a “Choose Kindness” sign on my mirror, and place another one in the front yard.

Me: And that will be a daily reminder about your value, and your intention.

Me2: Yes.

Me: What feeling comes up when you hear yourself say that?

Me2: Um….some doubt. And a bit of anxiety.

Me: Is that because you are setting a high bar and may not always clear it? Do you also have a need for understanding, patience, and kindness to yourself? Are you needing acceptance that you won’t always achieve your objective?

Me2: Yes, yes and yes. Thank you. I also have a need for ease, and I feel some stress when I think of my “Choose Kindness” expectation.

Me: Anything else?

Me2: Well, I think another request will be to record, perhaps weekly, my efforts. Thus, over time, I will see whether my intention and practice of kindness is having an effect on my mood and on my relationships.

Me: And what need will that meet?

Me2: A need to be seen for my intention? A need for acknowledgment for making the effort and doing it with some consistency?

Me: Would another need in that area be integrity? Or following through on your agreement?

Me2: Yes. Thanks.