We offer you this story and the following questions as an exercise for applying your NVC lens to an event that actually happened.
The Situation
Imagine you’re at a conference and you notice you’re the only Black person, other than one invited panel member on stage.
When it comes time for Q & A, after several others have had their questions answered, you raise your hand. The moderator looks around, looks at you, and finds another audience member to call on.
“OK,” you think. “Let’s try this again.” You raise your hand and the moderator calls on someone else.
Next time, you’re ready. You stand up and raise your hand. The moderator sees you but selects someone else with their hand raised. Now you’re getting annoyed.
But before you holler out to be recognized, a white person stands and interrupts the moderator. “Excuse me,” she says, “but that woman over there has had her hand up and you haven’t called on her. “Would you please acknowledge her and let her ask a question?”
The moderator relents, and calls on the Black woman to speak.
By now the Black woman is moved to speak about what she has just noticed happening, instead of what she had intended to ask the panel.
“I’ve had my hand up and was overlooked. I stood up with my hand up and was ignored again,” she said forcefully. “The moderator may as well have thrown me under a bus,” she said angrily. “And only when that one woman over there stood up and interrupted the moderator, calling out his willfully ignoring me, did I get recognized.”
“We’re here at a conference about social justice and look at what just happened,” she continued, now gaining a head of steam. “We’re here learning how to be allies of those who are invisible in our society, people who are marginalized, and look what happens among you all. You’re hearing the words but you’re unable to apply it to your behavior when that marginalization happens right in front of you.”
By then, the white woman who had stood for her had walked over and stood next to the Black woman. “This one person sees my humanity. This one woman knows what being an ally requires! While the rest of you hunker down in your seats, this one woman knows how to step up with courage and do the right thing!”
With that, she stopped talking. The audience was silent. The moderator and panel were silent. Then the Black woman turned and thanked the woman standing with her. Together, they sat down.
Questions
What’s your immediate judgment of the Black woman’s tirade?
Can you imagine her being able to express herself in NVC to the moderator? What would that sound like?
Do you think the White woman’s standing up was empathy in action?
What do you think might have motivated the White woman to rise in defense of the Black woman?
Imagine what feelings might have been in the head and heart of the moderator?
What about the audience as they sat still, hearing her call them out for their lack of action? Can you imagine justifying your inaction? Can you imagine feeling guilty?
What needs are met by staying silent? What needs are met by standing?
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