In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the first skill set involves the ability to distinguish between a value judgment and an observation.
We make value judgments all the time: whether to scramble my eggs this morning or whether to fry them, whether to take I-5 to Eugene or 99 West, whether to watch TV or go to bed. Judgment is a very useful tool in sorting out complicated lives.
Where value judgments get problematic is when we add a moral layer on top of it. Here are a few examples: “I’m a crappy friend.” “She’s always late.” “The government is corrupt.”
NVC advises taking the judgment out, to increase the clarity in what you’re saying. For example:
- “I didn’t visit you during the time you were hospitalized, and I didn’t call you for a week after you returned home.” (Those facts led me to call myself “bad.”)
- “She told me she knows what time our meetings start, and yet she hasn’t been here at the start for the past three meetings.”
- “There have been more allegations of ethics violations this year than any other in the history of Oregon.”
Why That Matters?
If we stay with our original value judgment, what will probably follow is more judgment and blame. Racing down the rabbit hole, we’d probably find ourselves coming up with a strategy that would differ significantly from one derived from an observation. For example:
- “She’s always late. That shows poor time management and lack of respect. She probably doesn’t deserve to be on this committee. I vote to remove her immediately.”
Here’s how using NVC would change the whole trajectory of that thought pattern:
- “She isn’t here. I’m concerned about that. I’d like to know why, and to reiterate our agreement to start at 3:30. Would someone agree to text her now? I will follow up when she comes in to resolve this issue.”
In the first example, the speaker is irritated and clearly blames the missing co-worker. If blame is in the mix of things, retribution (punishment) is probably going to be part of the solution.
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